Monday, November 13, 2006

Alternative Wikipedia Entry

I found out there was a wikipedia entry about me a couple of months ago. Like alot of wikipedia submissions it is riddled with mistakes. Anyone who uses wikipedia as a serious source of information is an idiot.

Anyway, I was alerted today that a few months ago someone edited my entry. These changes led to a far more entertaining and accurate representation of me than the stuff that is there at the moment.

I reprint the edit here in full:

"He supports Barnstaple Town F.C. and is a passionate angler. He once made an unsuccessful appearance on Going For Gold and his favourite TV programme is Catchphrase. Keith is also the founder member of the "Dave Hill Appreciation Society".

His favourite food is lentil stew with salad, which he regularly makes for his best friend Vinnie Jones, using his favourite Delia Smith recipe. He was best man at Vinnie's wedding and godfather to all of Delia's thirteen children, including three Somalian refugees adopted by her.

Keith is an avid fitness fanatic and thinks nothing of running a half marathon before breakfast. In 2002 Keith ran a total of 4000 miles non stop in order to raise money for his favourite charity, Kentucky Fried Chicken. Keith managed to raise a staggering £4.50 and with his proceeds bought a large Zinger Tower Burger meal and shrewdly swapped the drink for a corn on the cob. He met his hero, Jimmy Saville, during this run and they have often been seen on TV running the London Marathon together. Infact they both buy their garish gold tracksuits from the same mentalist tailors.

His favourite film is Titanic, and every Sunday you will see Keith of the bow of a P&O Dover to Calais ferry, recreating the famous 'I'm the king of the world!' scene, as played by Leonardo Di Caprio. Infact many people believe that they are twins, separated at birth.

Keith's extensive working life has been fullsome and highly producitve. In 2002 Keith excelled himself whilst working for bucket shop online bookmakers, During a highly pressurised and intensely busy evening shift, Keith was charged with full responsibility for the three upcoming ladies tennis matches taking place in some pointless ATP event. Given very specific instructions by his boss, best friend and mentor Steve Tucker, that read very clearly: "All you have to do is suspend three matches. Thats it. Nothing else. Just suspend three matches when they start. It could not be any easier Keith".

Through sheer hard of watching TV and playing online poker, Keith successfully missed the start times of all three tennis matches, thus leading to utter chaos and carnage. Infact the losses amounted to nearly £1.6bn pounds, forcing the bookmakers to cut back on lunch expenses to a maximum of half a banana per staff member. Customer services had to emply 1400 new staff just to deal with the mess left by Mr Hawkins. This was by and away his most productive and successful day during his glorious spell at Blue Squirrel."
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